Had life been a Indian movie, no mortal soul would have ever complained about not having a life. Life would have been full of resplendent moments. A filmy life would be full of nach gaana, strong, at times, over-exaggerated emotions. Also, a happy ending to one’s life story would be more or less guaranteed; afterall, how many movies have sad endings?
Life would have been a bizarre mosaic of highly dramatic events sewn together. No one would have had to worry about the nitty-gritty of their otherwise mundane existance. No one would have had to go to work because for some strange reason, most movies depict well off people but their source of income always remains an inscrutable mystery. Movie characters do not spend half their waking hours in an office cubicle, do they?
Life would have been such a sweet experience! The very thought of singing songs and dancing for every plausible reason under the sun would have been an abundant source of joy for all corporeal creatures.
Each emotion could be expressed and each occasion glorified by a highly melodious song. Best friends would sing ‘ye dosti hum nahi todenge’ to celebrate their friendship. Lovers would gladly stand under a black umbrella when its pouring cats and dogs to melodiously render ‘pyaar hua iquaraar hua hai’. And even after being completely drenched in the rain, none of them would ever catch a cold.. A heart broken man would try to forget his lady love by gulping down unending bottles of liquor while rambling, ‘dost dost na raha’. Holi would be celebrated by numerous women and men all clad in sparkling white clothes, with the men helping themselves to bhang and the man of the day singing ‘rang barse bheege chunar waali’ and beating a dafli. And a pretty girl would dance away while demurely stealing glances at her lover. All those who are incapacitated when it comes to singing and dancing have no cause to worry because a filmy life would have ensured that every woman sang like a nightingale while every man had a voice which would make a woman go weak in her knees.
Every woman would have been the epitome of beauty and every man, that of machoism. A man could have single handedly fought numerous goonda and that too unarmed. He would punch- kick punch-kick till all the evil spirits were slayed. Every man would have been a muscled macho man whose flexing of his muscles would be enough to send shivers down the bad man’s spine.
Every woman would have had nasheela nainas and every man or boy man would give his right hand to win the woman of his dreams. He would not hesitate to sing corny songs to her in gatherings. These gatherings would be overflowing with people covered in bling from head to foot. He would sing ‘ek shayar ki ghazal….dreamgirl!’ and the lady love would go red in the cheeks, blushing.
There would have been the good old people who sang ‘e meri zohar zabin’ to each other at parties to profess their love for their partners and at the same time, trying to reinstate the fact that they were not too old by singing ‘tu abhi tak hai hasin aur mein jawaan”. Sixty year olds would always look so fresh and full of life ready to burst into a song at a moment’s notice.
Life would surely have been very colorful with people changing their clothes, hairdo and makeup a gazillion times in a day. Men would be wearing fishnet shirts, or worse, floral shirts with bright red pants, while those blessed by nature would have been ready to rip of their shirts at the drop of a hat. And woman would freely roam around in the smallest of clothes, which in real life, will not even suffice as clothing for a three year old.
Girls would go to breathtaking beaches and sing odes to themselves like ‘chaliya chaliya chaliya’. One would never have to worry about the cost or the means of transportation to take them to these seemingly beautiful, out of the world places. Just start singing and presto! you would arrive at some breathtaking locale.
Every man would have been an expert at using the gun without ever going through the legal nuances of acquiring a gun or training for it. And those who hardly had anything productive to waste their life on would have gone to a beach and being surrounded by hundreds of perfectly sculpted beauties, one would croon ‘ek garam chai ki pyaali ho….koi use pilane waali ho’.
A man would have taken full five minutes to describe a simple act of eating bhelpoori by singing ‘mein to raste se jaa raha tha….mein to bhelpoori kha raha tha’ and his serenading voice would be complemented by supremely vulgar pelvic thrusts.
A woman trying to seduce a man would have resorted to ‘o zaara zaara touch me touch me touch me’ ,while men at official parties would sing ‘soni de nakhre sone lag de’ with the enchantingly beautiful boss present to shake a leg with them. All these impractical things would have been a part of our real life, if, only if, life was an Indian movie.